Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
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The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
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Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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