I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
