his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
