i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
