Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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