remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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