Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
