If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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