TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
