I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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