this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
