call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
