when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
