And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
