I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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