I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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