hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
