ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
