i love accidental penises.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I will be naked everywhere
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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