Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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