I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
