Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
