I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
