you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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