My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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