We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
