why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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