it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
