Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
