apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
