i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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