Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
