I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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