I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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