he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
