Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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