Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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