Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
