Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
