The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
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Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
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She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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