I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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