If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
