So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
