Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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