I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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