i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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