I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It's shark week go big or go home
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
