Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
not ubering you a puppy
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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