Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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