Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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