Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
