Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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