I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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