he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
