I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
