and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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