Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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