He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
