Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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