Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
